Today, the dust settled has settled over Virginia and Washington and everyone has absorbed the news that Eric Cantor, The Majority Leader of the House, the terribly named “young gun”, the man whom John Boehner daily fantasizes about dipping in steak sauce and then dropping into a pit of half starved bull-terriers, a man I once described as what you would get if you put Iago and Alex P. Keaton into a Brundlebooth, A man who’s sheer highly documented dickishness could fuel the epic poems of vikings for years to come…
Lost his seat to a collage professor who apparently is both a Christian and an admirer of Ayn Rand. (A combination that would send Rand, a noted Atheist, running into the arms of Mother Whisky.)
Cantor responded to his loss yesterday by announcing that he would be resigning as Majority Leader, effective this July 31st.
This is not the right track.
Why? Because it’s expected from him.
Say what you want about Cantor but he has always been loyal to the conservative movement. He’s been pushing his agenda for years and in the end, all it got him was a thirty percent approval rating and a boot print on his ass.
When faced with with that kind of rejection, there’s only one possible course of action.
He needs a full blow midlife crisis.
For starters, he should get his ass to Bonnaroo!
He needs to spend the next four days getting his swerve on. Whip off his tie, crowd surf, get looped on Ecstacy, bang a hippie chick while her boyfriend Instagrams it. He needs to shed his skin and groove!
Then, he needs to go back to work.
And I mean straight back! No stopping at his place for a shower and shave. He need to walk into his office reeking of patchouli oil and pussy and start scheduling votes on everything that he once hated!
Student Loan Refinancing-VOTE!
Extending Unemployment Insurance-VOTE!
Expanding Social Security-VOTE!
All the shit he’s been blocking comes up for a vote. Meaning that every GOP member who’s running for reelection will find themselves answering to their constituents on why they voted no on a number of popular issues, putting them on the defensive for the rest of the election cycle.
And after that, he should storm in Boehner’s office yelling “Miss me, Bitch” and then throw a bong at his head.
And then for an encore, he should go back into his office and take a boatload of selfies while getting hammered on Yeager.
Crazy? Self destructive? You bet your ass.
But in the end, people may look back years from now and call Eric Cantor’s breakdown the highlight of his congressional career.
The moment is his. He just has to grab it!