-It appears that I have a profile on a dating app called Lulu.
I did not ask for one. I received no notice that there was one. It just seemed to appear out of the ether. Not unlike the Candyman when you speak his name five times.
For those not in the know, I should explain. Lulu is an app that allows women to post reviews of men who they believe might make either good or bad boyfriend material. Kind of a Yelp for Men.
And apparently, if you have a Facebook profile, you’re on it.
And by the time I discovered the existence of this thing, I had been viewed by nine women and liked by three. (The count is now Eleven and Four.)
Now, upon learning about this, I was presented with two options. I could either contact Lulu and ask them to delete me from their app. Or I could just roll with it.
I chose the latter.
I’m no idiot. Anything that increases my chance to engage in some adult style hand holding, I’m going to take a crack at it.
And before you start in how how undignified an app where women rate men in, let me remind you of two things.
One: Men have been rating women for years. In locker rooms, men’s magazines and the staging of beauty pageants. I say, what’s good for the goose is sauce for the gander. Or words to that effect.
Two: Screw dignity! I use Tinder.
Dignity is for men who’s amount of intercourse exceeds once every six months.
-So, I download the App and proceeded to fill out my profile. I added a couple of extra photos and clicked on all the proper hashtags. Apparently, I cannot add my own text so I need to choose from a number of pre-written hashtags to the profile.
#Holdsdoor. #Cancook. #WillsSeeRomComs. #CleanBillOfHealth.
As you can see, I’m clearly playing to my strengths.
As far as using hashtags to describe what I’m looking for in a woman, I think I did a reasonable job of balancing my desire for a woman who has a strong, Independent streak….
#SpeaksHerMind. #CouldKickMyAss. #ScarySmart. #FreeSpirit. #Confident.
With my equal desire for a woman who likes the sexy time.
#FreakySide. #DirtyTalk. #GivesMassages. #Bi.
And yes, I am aware the last hashtag is pushing my luck. But honestly, I’m in the mood to push it. (However, I am relived that I did not choose #LikesToGiveBJs which I believe is code for #BewareHereYeBeDouchebags. Not that I have anything against Blow jobs. But that sets up an expectation for blow jobs that smacks of Male Entitlement and that doesn’t sit well with me. It’s one thing to hope for a blow job, it’s an entirely different matter to except them as your birthright.)
And as yet another chapter of “Middle Aged Nerd Tries to Find Love or a Reasonable Facsimile Therein” begins to be written.
Personally, I’m hoping for a happy ending.