BROWNIE!: A Fantasia in one act on the subject of Michael Brown’s balls.

According to Brown, who famously dubbed “Brownie” by President Bush, it’s unlikely that Hurricane Sandy will dramatically impact the presidential race and news coverage in the final week of the election. However, he has some words of advice for the president and his reelection team.

Holding a press conference at FEMA yesterday might have been a bit premature, given that the most serious impacts of the storm are not expected until later today, he feels.

“Here’s my concern,” Brown says. “People in the northeast are already beginning to blow it off…. [New York City Mayor Michael] Bloomberg has shut down the subway…[launched] evacuations…. I don’t object…they should be doing all of that. But in the meantime, various news commentators…[and others] in New York are shrugging their shoulders, saying, ‘What’s this all about?’ It’s premature [when] the brunt of the storm won’t happen until later this afternoon.”

Brown says he understands why the president might have chosen to have a news conference earlier rather than later.

“My guess is, he wants to get ahead of it — he doesn’t want anybody to accuse him of not being on top of it or not paying attention or playing politics in the middle of it,” he says. “He probably figured Sunday was a good day to do a press conference.”

For a FEMA director, Brown says, timing is always an important question: When is it most effective for the president to make an announcement?

“He probably could’ve had a little more impact doing it today,” says Brown.

From the article “Michael Brown, ex-FEMA head, has advice, criticism for Obama about Hurricane Sandy.” from the Denver Westworld Blog.

INT. PRESS ROOM-DAY.

At the podium is former FEMA Head turned talk radio host MICHAEL BROWN. In the gallery are a number of Journalists including reporters from THE NEW YORK TIMES, THE AP and THE NEW ORLEANS SUN.

MICHAEL BROWN
And in conclusion, I stand behind my statements concerning President Obama. I will now open the floor to questions.
(Points to NYT.)
Yes, you sir.

NYT REPORTER
Yes, Spike Rosenthal, New York Times. I just want to confirm. You believe that President Obama’s reaction to Hurricane Sandy was too quick?

MICHAEL BROWN
Correct. I believe that if he had waited a day, he would have had more of an impact.

NYT REPORTER
And just to make sure…you’re the same Michael Brown who was in charge of FEMA during the Bush Administration and oversaw the response to Hurricane Katrina?

MICHAEL BROWN
Yes, that’s also correct. And your question is…

NYT REPORTER
My question is where do you get your balls?
(Beat.)
Was it Hormonal treatments or surgical augmentation? Because speaking as a layman, I don’t believe balls that big actually exist in nature.

MICHAEL BROWN
All right, someone else?
(Points to NOS.)
You.

NOS REPORTER
Yes, Karen Perry, New Orleans Sun. Given your experience with disaster management, I have to ask a delicate question.

MICHAEL BROWN
Go ahead.

NOS REPORTER
Given the apparently normal appearance of your pants, I was wondering.  Do you keep your balls in a truss or do you just keep them tucked behind your legs like Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs?”

MICHAEL BROWN
(Points at AP.)
You. You had your hand up.

AP REPORTER
Yeah, Del Kirby, Associated Press.  I have a two part question. Part one. My brother in law got drunk and totaled my Subaru and then blamed me for the accident because I left my keys out. How would you compare the size and weight of your balls in relation to his?

MICHAEL BROWN
(Through gritted teeth.)
And part two?

AP REPORTER
Are they made of iron, solid brass or are they dense spheres of polymer that are easier to clean?

At that moment, DONALD TRUMP enters the stage and stands next to Brown.

DONALD TRUMP
All right, listen up. I’m Donald Trump. You schmoes have had your fun but while you’ve been smacking around a beloved public servant, you’ve all been missing a bigger and more important story and you know what that is?
(Beat.)
Why hasn’t President Obama accepted my offer of Five Million Dollars to the charity of his choice in exchange for the release of his collage and passport records? Huh?  Someone answer me that.
(Beat.)
Five million to the Red Cross right now. I want to write that check.

He pulls out a checkbook and pen with both hands.

DONALD TRUMP (CON’D.)
Look,I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna write the check! Look at me! Look at me!

He mimes trying to write the check while being held back by invisible forces.

DONALD TRUMP (CON’D.)
I’m gonna do it! I’m so close! I’m…

(Breaks off.)
Nope. Can’t do it.  Not till we see the records. It’s in your hands Mr. president.  Any questions?
(Points to NYT.)
You? Slim Jim? You got a question?

NYT REPORTER
Yeah. Given the the combined mass of both you and Mr.Brown’s balls, aren’t you concerned that being in close proximity to each other could cause them to collapse into themselves creating a black hole that could swallow the Earth and the surrounding Solar System?

Beat.

DONALD TRUMP
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That’s real funny, dickhead.  You keep asking questions like that, the Times is gonna get paved over for a Dunkin’ Donuts and your gonna be slurping Top Raman with your loser friends from “The Village Voice”!

NYT REPORTER
So you’re not concerned with any gravitational shifts…

DONALD TRUMP
THERE ARE NO GRAVITATIONAL SHIFTS!

Suddenly, the NYT reporter’s watch gets pulled off his wrist and hits Trump in the crotch.

DONALD TRUMP
Ouch.

NYT REPORTER
Uh…can I have my watch back, please?

DONALD TRUMP
No.

NYT REPORTER
Why not?

DONALD TRUMP
It’s made it’s choice.

MICHAEL BROWN
All right, I get it.  I’m Michael Brown. Mr “Heckle Job Brownie”. I’m the guy who screwed the pooch with Katrina. The guy who stranded thousands in the Superdome.  Well, you know what?  I PAID FOR IT!
(Beat.)
I used to be the head of one of the biggest departments in the Government.  You know what I do now?  Drive time talk radio with David Sirota!  You ever share a booth with that guy?  It reeks of stale home brew and class resentment!
(Beat.)
I did my best. And none of you can judge me.  The only one who can do that is my God!  And I leave to him.

Just then, a bolt of lighting crashes into the room and strikes Brown in the crotch. He falls to the ground with a burning crotch.

AP REPORTER
They’re Iron.  Brass doesn’t conduct electricity that well.

The other reporters nod and agree.  As Trump tries to put out Brown’s crotch fire, we go to…

BLACKOUT,.

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About theragingcelt

Actor/Writer/Homegrown Pundit/Cranky Progressive/Sometimes Filmmaker. talesofthegeeknation.com
This entry was posted in mother nature putting the shiv to us, Republicans shooting themseves in the foot. Bookmark the permalink.

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