In honor of Obama’s recent flag planting on Gay Marriage, I’d like to share this piece I wrote back in 2006. One or two of the cultural references are dated but I think the points are still valid.
Okay, here’s the thing.
As you know, we’ve got the midterms coming up in November. And as usual, the religious right will attempt to divide the electorate by using bullshit “Value” issues. One of the biggest of these will be gay marriage. As a public service, I would like to offer a logical defense of said issue.
Hmmmrf. This should be good.
Hey, it’s Rhetorical Question Voice. I haven’t seen you since I started the AOL blog. How’s it going?
Cut the pleasantries and let’s get on with this.
Fine…geez….try to be a mensch. Okay, what’s your big beef with gay marriage. The right’s been complaining for years that gays are promiscuous. Why object to something that celebrates stability and monogamy?
Because where does it end? If you allow gays to marry, what’ll stop people from marrying anything they want, like children or animals?
Ah, the domino theory of sex. Interesting theory. Let me explain why it’s bullshit.
Let me rephrase that. I’ll explain why it’s flawed. We can agree for a start that for a marriage to be legal, both parties have to consent to enter into it, correct?
I suppose so.
So, as far as marrying children go, that’s a non issue. Every state in the republic has age of consent laws. Meaning that if you are below a certain age, it is illegal for you to have sex anyone regardless of age. So even if the underage person says yes, it’s still illegal. Thus making marriage impossible. Or at best, frustrating.
So, if you try to marry a fourteen year old, it won’t wash?
Yes, unless you live in Iowa. Fourteen is legal there.
Say, when did you look that up?
When I was fourteen, I was a very precocious child. Naturally, it’s does me no good at forty.
In the first place, ewwww! In the second, you think I want to spend three hours on a date hearing about how cool Hilary Duff is? No crumpet’s worth that kind of aggravation!
All right, what about animals?
Again the consent issue. Can you get a yes or no from an animal? They don’t have the cognitive abilities to give consent. Look, technically, you can go through the motions of marrying a goat. You can buy it, dress it in a waistcoat and top hat (or dress and veil), rent a hall, hire a minster, priest or rabbi (Reform, of course), have the ceremony and dance to a band playing “Closer to You” at the reception. But the goat’s not going to know what the fuck is going on. And when you take that goat back to the wedding suite at the Marriott and dive into the nuptial bliss, the sad fact is that you will be a goat rapist. Because the goat cannot say yes or no.
So all animals would be off limits?
To the best of my knowledge, the only animals with the mental abilities approaching man (And if I get this wrong, feel free to correct me in the comments) are dolphins and apes. Both would be problematic. (And I pity the poor bastard who gets his signals mixed up with the gorilla.)
Wait a minute? What about that woman who married a dolphin in January?
Not legal. Plus that dolphin’s no fool, she’s loaded! Free fish for life. And it was smart enough to go for a woman, not a man. It knows a guy would go for the blowhole in a second.
You had to go to THAT place, didn’t you?
I like that place. The view is wonderful and the snack bar has the bestest onion rings. 🙂
But you won’t deny that there are people who do have sexual relations with animals?
No, I won’t. But I strongly suspect the numbers aren’t as large as the Christian Right thinks they are. And it should also be noted that people also eat bull testicles on TV for big cash prizes, do extreme sports without proper padding and vote against their economic interests because of “Value” issues. It’s called stupidity and should be pitied. But there’s no way it can be legalized and for the reasons I’ve said above.
I still think gay marriage is wrong.
What do you know? You’re just a literary device I stole from Internet critic, Alexandra DuPont.
Hmmruph. (STORMS OUT DOOR.)
Who knew a literary device could slam doors.
Anyway, kids, the next time some right winger like Rick Santorum starts screaming about gay marriage leading to other thing, just sling this at him. Then ask him if he ever got money from Jack Abramoff. Go ahead. It’s fun!