Dear Secret Service: On the matter of the recent unpleasantness in Columbia.


First of all, I want to thank you for your continued service to this country. Protecting the President has never been an easy job. And this particular one seems to attract more death threats than most. Hell, at this point, you probably have a special unit devoted to Ted Nugent alone.
It’s a pressure cooker of a job. And I get that occasionally, steam needs to be released.
But seriously… 

The Colombian prostitute who triggered the scandal that has rocked the Secret Service got angry with two agents who refused to pay her full price for servicing the two of them, leading to a financial dispute over between $40 and $60, according to a government source who has been briefed on the investigation.

Two agents from the service’s elite Counter Assault Team, in Cartagena, Colombia, in advance of President Barack Obama’s arrival for the Summit of the Americas over the weekend, had procured the women’s services at a local strip club called the Pley Club on the evening of April 11. All the Secret Service agents and officers implicated in the scandal are believed to have gone to the club that evening and brought back women, a U.S. official told NBC News.

The controversy arose after one of the women went back to a hotel room with two agents. The woman wanted to be paid for serving both agents, the source who has been briefed on the probe told NBC News. Instead, the agents would only agree to split her price, prompting the woman to complain to local police who were stationed in the lobby of the Hotel Caribe, the source said.

Let me just offer offer a couple of free pieces of advice in case this ever comes up again.

1) Don’t hire hookers while on the job! 

I’m going to out on a limb and assume that when you’re working an advance detail for the President, you’re pretty much on call twenty four hours.
And frankly, a hooker is more of a day off thing.
First off, there is a legitimate concern that you could fall into a “Honey Trap”. At least on a day off, you’re in your civvies and can leave the badge at home.
Also, showing up to a session with your sidearm still strapped is going to make the young lady unnecessarily nervous, thus making the encounter that much more unpleasant.

2) Don’t hire hookers if you’re married.*

I know that this is an area where I tend to come off as shockingly conservative.  But if you are married to a woman or man who’s cool that part of your job description is to throw yourself in front of flying bullets, the least you can do is not chippy around them.  Yes, I get it. You’re miles away, often for months at a time.  That’s why the Good Lord created Skype and Lube.

*Disregard if you and your partner have come to an arrangement that you can both live with.  Also if your partner is into three ways, in which case,  Mazel Tov!

3) Don’t haggle over the price.

If you choose to ignore the first two pieces of advice, at least pay attention to the last one.
Call girls are like any other professional.  They offer a specialized service. And they have pressures that most professionals don’t have. Special health needs. Security concerns. Do you know how hard it is to find a good “Scary Thug” at a reasonable rate, even with Craigslist?
(And yes, I’m aware of the issues involving human trafficking and sex slavery. This is why I always believed that prostitution should be not only legalized but unionized. But that’s another post for another time.)
Also in this particular case, you were asking the young woman to do twice the work for about half the money.  Would you ask a plumber to fix two sinks for the price of one? No.
And finally, you’re representing the United States of America. The richest country in the world. (For the moment.) And from what I understand, secret service agents make pretty decent money.
Don’t lowball your hooker. Seriously, it makes us Americans look like cheap jerks.


About theragingcelt

Actor/Writer/Homegrown Pundit/Cranky Progressive/Sometimes Filmmaker.
This entry was posted in Politics, Secret service, Sex, Sex Workers. Bookmark the permalink.

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