Thanksgiving: Or conjuring the forces of darkness with meat.

So, here’s the thing.
I’m single.  My family lives in California  and I can’t afford to go out to see them.  What’s a poor boy to do on Thanksgiving?
Yes, this is what happens when you realize the Eurozone is collapsing at the same time you plan your dinner.

Anyway, if you’re crazy-depressed-nihilistic enough to try this yourself, here’s what you’ll need.

One Turkey Breast.
A pound of bacon.
A box of stuffing. (Any brand should do. I went with Mrs. Cubbison’s.)
Real Butter. (I could have gone with heart smart margarine. But that would make me a pussy.)
12 cloves of peeled and crushed garlic.

Preheat the oven to 350. Make sure your turkey has defrosted.  You then want to cover the top of it with six to eight slices of bacon.  For a three pound breast, you want to bake for two and a half hours. Basting every half hour with melted butter to make sure the bacon doesn’t burn.
(For the baste, I melted a spoonful of butter and used McCormick’s Garlic Sea Salt and Peppercorns in the grinder bottles. Two grinds of salt to six grinds of pepper.)
Then, I started on the stuffing.  And this is where my true crime against humanity lay.

The recipe on the stuffing box called to add to it 1/2 cup of butter and an onion.  I do not like onions so I changed it to the garlic.
First, you fry five strips of bacon to desired crispness.  When they are done, you put them on a paper towel to drain.
Then…and I can’t stress this must leave the bacon fat in the pan. YES, DAMN IT!  YOU LEAVE IT IN THE PAN!
And you add 1/2 cup of butter and the garlic.
You let the butter/garlic/bacon fat cook down for a minute and let this unholy allegiance of flavors commingle and swirl together.
You may pick up a slight smell of brimstone.  That’s not from the pan, that’s from Satan jerking off in the corner because you’ve opened a portal to the underworld and he’s a hardcore foodie.
You then pour this mixture into the stuffing mix along with 1 1/4’s cup of water and the fried bacon.  Mix it together until moist.  You then put this in a baking pan, cover and bake at 350 for forty minutes.
The biscuits are from a tube.  Follow the instructions on the tube. Don’t over think it.
Serve with a chilled bottle of Apple Cider.  If you desire, you can season the turkey with your own tears.

EDIT 11/27: Fixed a grammar issue.


About theragingcelt

Actor/Writer/Homegrown Pundit/Cranky Progressive/Sometimes Filmmaker.
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