Okay, apparently there are two new versions of the “Snow White” story coming to theaters next year. Which one looks less likely to make me inject an apple with glass cleaner and tale my own life.
SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN: (2012, Directed by Rupert Sanders.)
Wait, just so I’m clear on this. This is an actual movie, right? It’s not a parody trailer. Someone actually had the idea to take a simple fairy tale and turn it into the Lord of the Freaking Rings?
If so, some really need to be slapped and hard.
You got epic battles on horseback, CGI mirrors. Snow White is in battle armor for Christ’s sakes! And over this you’ve got ponderous voice over and music all signaling that it’s a Very Important Film!
Not mentioned in the film is this tidbit from the IMDB.
All seven dwarves are named after Roman Emperors: Caesar, Tiberius, Constantine, Claudius, Hadrian, Nero and Trajan.
That fact alone makes me want to nut punch someone.
MIRROR, MIRROR: (2012, Directed by Tarsem Singh.)
I’m not gonna lie. This thing is a big ball of goofy.
Magic spells. A bunch of jokes that range from the okay to the cringe inducing. (Even Pacino has to be sick of the “Say hello to my little friend” gag by now.) Performances so broad, they could block traffic on an eight lane highway. Harry Knowles asked for reactions tonight and I tweeted the following.
It would have been better if they replaced Julia Roberts with a CGI Danny Kaye in drag.
Yet God help me, if I had a choice, I’d rather see this one than “The Huntsman” simply because it’s not afraid to be silly.
Look, I know we’re in a dark and angsty place right now as a people. So as a result, we’re getting a lot of dark and angsty stories. I love “The Dark Night” as much as any good film geek but not every story needs a dark and gritty shell!
And the Danny Kaye reference wasn’t meant fully as a swipe against Roberts. Re-watching the trailer, part of me started flashing on “The Court Jester. Now I don’t think in a million years that this film is going to be anywhere as good as that seminal work of swashbuckling hijinks. But I’ll lay you good money that at some point, it was screened for the creative team as inspiration.
And to be perfectly honest, I’ll take this films 40’s style color palate over the dourness of “SWATH” any day of the week.
So, in this round of Trailer Thunderdome, It’s “Mirror, Mirror” by a thin silly hair.
Although, if I were Tarsem, I’d consider putting in a call to the Danny Kaye Estate, just to be on the safe side.