Dear Gay Marriage Opponents: Stop outing yourselves!

First off, Congrats to the people of the Great State of New York for finally joining the Twenty-First century and legalizing same sex marriage. My delight in your in your triumph is offset only by my annoyance that California…FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET MOTHER OF GOD ALMIGHTY, CALIFORNIA!!!…still hasn’t gotten their shit together in that regard!
Come on, California!  You reelected Jerry Brown as Governor.  This should be cake.

Now, there are those of you who feel that Gay Marriage is icky and wrong and makes the Baby Jesus throw up, there’s something you need to know about.

Even a man who thought that women want to have sex with their fathers, and that women spend much of their lives distraught over their lack of a penis is right sometimes. This person, the legend that is Sigmund Freud, theorized that people often have the most hateful and negative attitudes towards things they secretly crave, but feel that they shouldn’t have.

If Freud is right, then perhaps men who are the most opposed to male homosexuality have particularly strong  homosexual urges for other men.

The article on goes on to describe the following experiment.

One study asked heterosexal men how comfortable and anxious they are around gay men. Based on these scores, they then divided these men into two groups: men that are homophobic, and men who are not. These men were then shown three, four-minute videos. One video depicted straight sex, one depicted lesbian sex and one depicted gay male sex. While this was happening, a device was attached to each participant’s penis. This device has been found to be triggered by sexual arousal, but not other types of arousal (such as nervousness, or fear – arousal often has a very different meaning in psychology than in popular usage).

When viewing lesbian sex and straight sex, both the homophobic and the non-homophobic men showed increased penis circumference. For gay male sex, however, only the homophobic men showed heightened penis arousal.

Heterosexual men with the most anti-gay attitudes, when asked, reported not being sexually aroused by gay male sex videos. But, their penises reported otherwise.

Homophobic men were the most sexually aroused by gay male sex acts.

Please take a moment to burn that last sentence into your brain.

Homophobic men were the most sexually aroused by gay male sex acts.

As I’ve said before, I like my irony like I like my women, cheap and easy.
Reminds me of the hissy fit that Bill O’Reily had a few years back about the film “Brokeback Mountain”.

The old American west was a place where men were men, and women were, well, in short supply. I mean, covering thousands of miles in a dusty covered wagon wasn’t exactly an enchanting experience for the ladies. Don’t even ask about the plumbing.

But the new American west is a bit different, at least according to the new widely praised film “Brokeback Mountain.” I haven’t seen the movie because the lead actors play bisexual shepherds and, please forgive me, that isn’t on top of my viewing wish list. I understand I’m a barbarian.

According to friends of mine who have seen “Brokeback,” the key scene takes place in a pup tent. Apparently, two shepherds “bond” in said tent. If I do see the movie, I know what will run through my mind during that scene: What would Clint and Lee and Eli have done, had they stumbled upon the tent? I believe gunfire might have been involved.

Yes, Bill.  Because gunfire is the appropriate response when two men have sexual intercourse. (And yes, that sentence is meant to be sarcastic.)
Now, if we take the above O’Reily statement and apply the aforementioned scientific findings to it, one could possibly surmise that Bill O’Reily’s secret wish is to fuck a gay cowboy.
And I feel sorry for Bill O’Reily because he will never get his wish because…
A: There aren’t that many cowboys left in the world.
B: The statical likelihood of finding a gay cowboy in those numbers is slim.
C: Of those few, how many are willing to put up with O’Reily’s bullshit for more than five minutes?
Now I’m not saying that Bill O’Reily wants to fuck a gay cowboy (Or be fucked.  He may be a bottom.  We don’t know.) But I am saying that the next time he mouths off against gay marriage, we should hookup his peepee to the machine, fire up the “Brokeback” and see where the day takes us.



About theragingcelt

Actor/Writer/Homegrown Pundit/Cranky Progressive/Sometimes Filmmaker.
This entry was posted in Bill O'Reilly, Gay Marriage, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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