Now that this is over…
Sources tell NBC New York that Gov. Andrew Cuomo is likely to call a special election for Sept. 13 to fill the congressional seat of disgraced Rep. Anthony Weiner.
Weiner, who represents parts of Brooklyn and Queens, handed in his official resignation letter on Monday; it is to take effect midnight Tuesday.
The 46-year-old married lawmaker admitted to sexting several strange women after he accidentally tweeted a photo of his groin and then tried to claim he had been hacked. He confessed during a teary news conference and resigned 10 days later.
…we really need to put an end to this shit now.
Seriously, with every other Goddamn thing on our plates, we do not have time to deal with who’s fucking who and why and how. I have a saying about celebrities and politicians. I don’t care who they’re fucking unless it’s me. If it’s the former, yahoo! The latter, not so much.
So, in that spirit, I would like to make a modest proposal.
We need a Democratic politician with national standing to screw around on his wife and get caught.
And at the press conference, instead of denying it or resigning, he needs to say the following.
Good afternoon. Thank you all for coming. In the last twenty four hours, press reports have surfaced saying that I have engaged in sexual relations with a woman who is not my wife. I am here to announce that those press reports are indeed correct. I have been unfaithful to my wife. And to her and our family, I deeply, sincerely apologize for my transgression and beg their forgiveness.
And I would also like to apologize and beg the forgiveness…of nobody else.
Really, no one else gets an I’m sorry.
Nada. None. Zilcho.
Everyone else gets dick.
Let me rephrase that.
Thomas Jefferson once wrote “But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg”.
I would argue that as awful as my actions are. They are hurtful only to my family. To everyone else, this is at best a distraction. At worst, an annoyance. My having sex outside my marriage neither picks your pocket nor breaks your leg. It does not affect your health care, your children’s education or the safety of your food and water.
I betrayed my wife.
I did not betray my oath of office.
And may I say to my friends across the aisle who may wish to make hay out of this. Given the fact that you have consistently and regularly touted your superiority in moral matters while turning a blind eye to your members who have engaged in similar, if not occasionally more offensive acts than my own, you are in no position to throw a stone.
On a personal note, let me say to my colleague, the distinguished gentleman from Louisiana, Mr. David Vitter…let me get you hot..WAAA…I MADE A BOOM BOOM!
Okay, that was cheap and adolescent. But you see my point.
Let me make this clear. And I am speaking from years of experience. If a politician tells you that he believes in family values, I can guarantee you that he is getting his freak on in a way that would make Caligula throw up.
In conclusion, do not judge us by our personal lives. Flesh is fallible and flesh is weak. Instead, judge us by what we do for you. Do you have a job? Are your roads safe to drive on? Can you eat and drink and not get sick?
Everything else is trivia and gossip.
Once again, my apologies to my wife and family.
Everyone else can kiss my ass.
(Drops the mike. Exits.)
That’s the plan. Take a sex scandal and make it (For want of a less trite term.) a teachable moment.
Of course, the question is, who to get to take the bullet?
There’s my guys in the Senate, Ron Wyden and Jeff Merkley. But I’m not sure either of them have a high enough profile nationally to make the proper waves. Plus, Wyden is still recovering from prostate cancer and may not be up to the task.
Pelosi? Then we could get side tracked into the whole hypocrisy of men can have all the sex they want but women can’t and that’s gonna muddy the waters.
Harry Reid? He’s from Nevada so the opportunities are there. But let’s face it. Given his age, I think people would be more impressed than anything else.
Kucinich? He’s high profile. Good progressive. Plus, have you seen the man’s wife?
Yeah, he looks a bit Gnomish but you know, he’s got to be a secret weapon with the ladies. We’ll put him in the maybe column.
To anyone who thinks that my modest proposal is silly and naive, take a moment and imagine how the nineties would have played out if when the Gennifer Flowers thing hit, Bill Clinton had just said “Hillary and I have an understanding”.
Six words: President Al Gore and flying cars.
I’m just saying….