As 2010 shambles over the horizon like a tweaked out hobo, let’s take a moment to look at the year past.
Worst ecological disaster: The BP spill which has effectively turned the Gulf of Mexico into a dead zone.
Worst missed opportunity: President Obama not showing that disaster down Congress’s throat to create a comprehensive Green energy policy.
Most instructive moment of said disaster: Rep. Joe Barton (TX-06.) apologizing to then BP CEO Tony Hayward for what he called “A 20 Billion Dollar shakedown”. He was later seen trying to goad Dick Cheney into shooting him in the face so he’d have someone less odious to apologize to.
The “Speed Racer” Award for Best Movie that no one saw. Edgar Wright’s “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World”. Manged the trick of being both sweetly romantic and asskick-elicious! (Hey, if Sarah Palin can make up new words…)
Worst television personality that Elia Kazan and Budd Schulberg saw coming. Glenn Beck who continues to spew out bullshit faster than a Ex-Lax fed Jersey Heifer. And despite having lost hundreds of sponsors (And seeing one of his few remaining under congressional investigation.) continues getting airtime on Fox News. This situation may require a super soaker of Holy Water and return of a zombified Sinclair Lewis.
Most pathetic display by a once respected politician. John McCain managing to de-maverick himself in his re-election bid. By fighting against the repeal of DADT and abandoning Cap and Trade and Immigration reform and embracing Arizona’s “Papers Please” law. If he has any self awareness left, when he gets re-sworn into office, he’ll have someone next to him reading out loud T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men”.
Best use of a studio’s blockbuster size budget. It’s a heist movie. No, wait. It’s Science Fiction. No, it’s a tragic love story. No, it’s ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE! It’s “Inception” bitches! And above all, it’s Christopher Nolan proving that you can make a big budget action flick without having to Francis Farmer your audience. I’m digging the hell out of the Blu-Ray but I’m still looking for the Easter Egg where he tells Michael Bay to go home and get his fucking shine box.
Worst Tea Party candidate who lost. TIE. 1. Christine O’Donnell who managed to take a career in advocating for sexual repression and parlay that into a run for a Senate seat that helped saved the Democratic Majority. Combining creepiness with a profound lack of intellectual heft, the only useful thing she did was give Kristen Wiig a new SNL character. And no, Ms. O’Donnell, you are not me. (Hint. Four times a week, minimum.)
2. Sharron Angle who for what she lacked in creepy sexual energy, made up for in the pure scary. Three words: Second Amendment solutions.
And the Winner of the “Not quite getting the point award”. The American Public for being so mad at the Democrats for not getting things done fast enough, put back in control of the House the Republicans who were slowing things down in the first place. This is like punishing your girlfriend for cheating on you by repeatably punching yourself in the balls. Not that some Democrats didn’t deserve it, (I’m looking at you, Blanche Lincoln!) but we shed too many. As a result, the part of Congress that actually did shit over the last few years is now being led by the assholes who don’t want to do dick.
Welcome to the next two years, America. Wear a cup.
Worst non-political headline at the Huffington Post. Ashton Kutcher in Men’s Health: Preparing for Armageddon”
And no, I am not making this up.
Ashton Kutcher is in hard training for the apocalypse, but this no big screen role: he’s afraid that armageddon is coming.
“It won’t take very much, I’m telling you. It will not take much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle. People don’t have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems, so if there’s no electricity, nobody has maps.”And then what? The way Kutcher sees it, all chaos breaks.
“And people are going to go, ‘That land’s not yours, prove that it’s yours,’ and the only thing you have to prove it’s yours is on an electric file. Then it’s like, ‘What’s the value of currency, and whose food is whose?’ People’s alarm systems at their homes will no longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity – what happens when all our modern conveniences fail? I’m going to be ready to take myself and my family to a safe place where they don’t have to worry.”
Let me just say this. If Ashton Kucher becomes The Omega Man, I’m rooting for the Albino Vampires.