For sucidal meat lovers who don’t have the balls to eat a gun, here’s the next best thing…

I get it.
We live in terrifying times.  And we seek to hide from those terrors by losing ourselves in the pleasures of the flesh.  I understand that.  Hell my weekend fry-ups with real bacon and eggs are what has kept me going for the last few weeks.
But there is comfort.  And then there is something else.
Tonight, Drew McWeeney threw up a link on his twitter feed and when I clicked it, what I saw killed a small part of my soul.


For those who did not click, let me tell you what it was.
An East Coast Restaurant chain called Friendly’s has introduced a Grilled Cheese Burger Melt which is a Hamburger…with Grilled Cheese Sandwiches as buns!
Let me repeat that.
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches as buns!
Somewhere, ancient Rome looks down at us with pure envy.  They may have had public orgies but they could never in their wildest dreams imagine this much pure decadence in so small an area.
Not without midgets anyway.
Now let me make this clear.  I have nothing against comfort food.  I love a good hot sandwich as much as the next man.  A good hot sandwich says to you, “I know you’ve had a hard day.  I know your life is tough.  But if you partake of me, your belly will feel warm and full and you will have the strength to go out tomorrow and fight the good fight”.
This Grilled Cheese Burger Melt does not say that.
What it says is “That’s right, asshole!  The whole world is turning to shit and you can’t stop it. You’re on the downhill slide so you might as well grease the way down with me, motherfucker!”.
And spare me the comparisons with KFC’s Double Down Sandwich.  The Double Down is a pile of sparkle covered whimsy compared with the Burger Melt.  The Double Down is a naughty caprice.  A spin around a gazebo on a moonlit night.  It’s something you do once just to say you did it, like visiting Paris in the Spring or making out with Paris Hilton at party.
The Burger Melt is not a caprice.  The Burger Melt means business!
It is the Bitch Goddess that gets it’s hooks into you, makes you cry for kicks and runs away at three in the morning after cleaning out your safe and nailing your cat to the kitchen door.
The Grilled Cheese Burger Melt is not comfort food.  It is Pure Nihilism served with a side of fries.
It is a sign of a people that have given up.

(H/T to Drew McWeeny and


About theragingcelt

Actor/Writer/Homegrown Pundit/Cranky Progressive/Sometimes Filmmaker.
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